Changes, Goals, Life, Mid-30's, Relationships, Woman

Do I Actually Mean What I Say?

This blog, which was to be for February, started off as something completely different than what is going to actually be here. February turned out to have some crazy family happenings, an overall busy few weeks, and it took a toll on the last 10 days of the month. So, onto March!

I made a statement to my friend and it got me to thinking, “Do I actually mean what I say?” My friend, L and I were talking and I made the comment that I’ll be 37 soon and basically WOW. She said, (mind you, she is 8 years younger than me) “that is young!” My statement back was, “It is, if you’re already in your career and are a wife and mother. If you’re not by this age, it just means that you take procrastination and independence way too seriously!”

Now, do I actually mean that? I guess in a way, yes I do. I mean, by my age (and younger) we’ve all had the dreams of being in a good job that we can see doing for a long time, and we have all pictured ourselves as a wife and mom, maybe not in that order, or all 3 of those things, but we’ve pictured some major accomplishments happening by 37. I guess I could say that I’m procrastinating, independently, on all three! But I also don’t totally mean that. There are many life choices I’ve mad that have gotten me to where I am and where I am is a good place. Plus, I’ve unloaded some bad guys that more than happily were going to make me a wife and mom. Thank the Good Lord I realized they were no good and got out when I did.

But this did get me rapidly thinking about a lot of the things I say, and I say a lot, and do I really mean them? I make comments, often, about how I just need to “keep on keeping on” and “if I’m hectically busy now, it’s okay because when school is done, I plan on making time for myself and someone else in my life.” On a regular basis, like I’m sure most us do, I talk myself into a brave front, a smile for everyone to see, or a strong opinion on when I will finally make myself available to find love (or just a date!).

These things I say seem to be more so for myself than for the other person in the conversation. To be able to stand strong against something usually gets a laugh and someone to agree, even if they actually don’t. So no, I don’t mean a lot of the things I say in its’ full meaning, because things will just happen when they’re supposed to, and life’s events will occur and you just have to work with them, around them, and a lot of times you also have to make things happen. And no matter the excuses I give, life will go on with or without my consent.

Call it realistic optimism, or possibly realistic pessimism or even call it making excuses. Whatever it’s called, these statements help me to deal with my impending birthday, and some of the realizations, ideas, and epiphany’s that always seem to muster up around a day that should be celebrated for all that has been done in such a short time. Even though that number (that many of us hate) is increasing, I’ve got this! I’ve made it this far and I know I’ve got many more happy times in me. I do, I’ve got this!

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Diet, Exercise, Goals, Life, Mid-30's, Relationships

Changes Are Vitally Necessary In Life

Time moves so quickly, writing consistently has been a wee bit difficult as of lately.  Time to re-organize to make sure I make the time to write and vent and openly work out my problems. Because for me this is therapeutic!

As with most; I make resolutions with the New Year.  This year is no different, except that I decided years ago to stop guilting myself if I don’t make it to a size 6 (or 12) by June or become a thousandaire by next December. I decided that I will just keep working towards goals and each year I learn more and become better at accomplishing my goals, just in smaller levels.  THIS I can live with, much easier than my self guilt.  THAT is hard to live with.

This is where it begins:

I’ve decided that a necessary change in my life is that drinking is not a good thing for me, still.  It’s an issue I’ve dealt with numerous times in my life, but I feel it’s coming to a point again where it’s not worth it and it is only hurting me (and those around me, as they see and talk to me).  I already have enough of an anxious, worrisome personality, that the day after drinking, it’s enhanced ten-fold. Who needs that?!  Not me. The next 3 months are sober months for me. Not gonna lie, I’m gonna want to have a few beers on my birthday, so I’ll allow myself that, which is why my goal is 3 months.  But the “need” to drink because of a bad day, long day, tired day, stressful moment, because my friend is having one, etc., is just silly (silly for me!). Believe me, if it didn’t do to me what it does, physically and emotionally, I’d be fine with having drinks on a regular basis; but I’m not that person.  Therefore the goal is set. Will I bash myself if I don’t quite succeed, no. Yet I will congratulate myself for the work I put into it and the length of time that I don’t imbibe.

Another necessary change (fine tune) for myself, is my daily exercise.  It’s something that when I get on a roll, I’m on a roll and I do well. But when I falter, I really falter.  With that being said, there are no reasons for excuses anymore.  No excuses. My home basement gym is super and I’ve worked hard and extra hours to get it setup with what I need and want (used equipment is as good as new!), without much excess. Again, NO EXCUSES. I have a good schedule worked out for me too. As long as I stick on it, I’m good.  This can be done!

Along with exercise goes diet.  Diet is also one that I consistently fine tune, falter, and work hard at, over and over again. I do struggle, but I know that my knowledge base is better and I have support. My friends and I have a diet and exercise challenge with money involved.  THIS is motivational; 1) they can see what I do daily… yikes, 2) it’s a competition, I want to beat them (at the same time I want them to win too, so I have to try even harder), and 3) I can make some money! It allows for us to have a private venue to talk about diet and exercise daily successes, failures, and to be honest with each other and ourselves about what we eat and do physically each day.  Ummm YIKES! 

For my final target, I’m working towards having more balance in my life. Currently with working about 70 hours a week, school, pets and home, let’s just say that though I always say and write about wanting a special guy in my life; I am actually not ready to give up any one of my responsibilities to make that happen. I WANT it to happen. If I could build one that would understand my schedule and responsibilities, that would be great! Do those 3D printers do that, or is that a few years away? lol

I digress… My balance that I am referring to, will include finishing school by July/Aug, re-working some of my schedule to allow myself a weekend night to be able to have a social life of some sort, getting back into church, getting outdoors, and putting my true self out there to find people that can deal with a highly independent, a bit eccentric at times, and hard working woman.  No more of the keeping parts of my life “hidden” or at bay, just to fit in. I have to put my true self out there to find the social circle and man I’m looking to spend time with, otherwise I’m not only lying to them, I’m lying to myself.

Now, doing all of these things, I don’t think they will give me the full balance in life that other people may talk about, but it will give me a balance that will work for me; at least until I think of something else I need, want, or decide to change. I have so much support from an amazing family and amazing friends, which I know that no matter what goals I choose to strive for, they will help me to make them possible. They are my sanctity and for that, I am forever grateful and thankful.

The holidays at the end of the year always give us a time to reflect on things that we have and I’m always pleased to do this.  It’s good to look at your life and to see what you like that you’re doing, what you don’t like and what you really need to change.  It’s a time for reflection and refreshing. I know, cliché, but what isn’t today?  🙂

I can do this and the New Year always makes that feel more possible than at any other time. Oooooo One addition to add to my goals; keep the motivation going all year… It can be done. I’ve got this!

~ Don’t judge yourself by what you’ve done. Judge only yourself by what you can do.

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Dare I Say it… “I’m Feeling… Balanced”

I have only felt “balanced” a few times in my life, and this actually feels like one of those times. Don’t get me wrong; there’s still some teetering and tottering happening, but overall, I feel like I have caught up to the waves (I’m being dramatic) that are a constant around me.

I have always fought to keep a balance in my life; a balance of work, social, family/home, and for a long time have failed at that goal. Between the 3, I had been about 48% work, 48% home/family and about 4% on my social life. That can make for a real negative Nancy. Over the past couple of months I’ve finally came out of my shell a bit more (thanks to a dear person in my life and my amazing friends and family)and am making more time for myself – whether it be out socially or at home for myself. I’ve decided that the vacuuming can wait till morning or that I don’t need to stay right on top of mowing my lawn or cutting up all the veggies for the daycare kids or I can even stay out till 9 or 10 with a friend. Since doing this and not allowing myself to feel guilty for not doing my “chores”, life has been so much more pleasant.

My work outs have been easier to stay on top of; I hear myself laugh, out loud, so much more; my times of annoyance are less and less; and keeping on top of my necessary chores (and those that aren’t always necessary except in my head) has been a bit easier as well. Even my emotions have seemed to embrace this time. Don’t get me wrong, I still get overwhelmed or while I’m working I’m wishing I was playing or while I’m playing I’m remembering something I need to get done. I also know that so easily something can throw this balance right out of the water, but I think that each time we find ourselves in-balance we learn some new tools and it will be easier to get back here again (if or when I do get thrown off).

My motivational drive has been helped by a 3rd party, but it’s still me accomplishing and doing these goals and making sure I’m still happy with myself. I also know that some of this is due to September being “Sober month” (personal choice). It’s amazing what your brain and body can make time for when you’re not consuming a bottle of wine or sleeping off a bottle of wine, or two. It feels so great to be able to realistically look at things and truly deal with them and not push them down or forget about them. Maybe Sober September will also turn into On-The-Wagon October… 🙂

Overall, I am feeling good with things and not so threatened as to what may come. I’m feeling stronger in my daily battles and accomplishing life as it comes at me… what more could a girl ask for? Well, I could ask for a lot, but right now, it’s good and things are dandy. Each day, more and more clearly, I’ve got this!

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Remembering to Try

Well, since deciding to “walk away” from ‘B’ and leaving options open to others, not only have I found a new found energy for wanting to meet people, but I’ve found that I still know how to dance. Yes, literally, dance. It’s amazing how much energy I was actually putting into one person that wasn’t reciprocating even 5% of that. It’s sad really, but I’m very glad that I realized it and now have all that energy and time for myself and maybe someone new. (There will be no more about ‘B’)

I not only have made time for an old dear friend to come visit this month, but I’ve been opening up to getting out and doing things for myself, and with friends; having fun again. Who’d have thought I could still dance all night and still get up in the morning for breakfast and a walk with friends?? lol Well technically I was down for the count by 2pm, but that’s neither here nor there.

In the last couple of months, I’ve witnessed some friends going through their own personal struggles in their relationships and my bitterness that once was right on top (all the time), has dissipated. It’s not completely gone, but it’s not seeping out every time I hear about another friend being hurt by a loved one. I was even able to see my ex-fiancé at last weekend’s concert and rather than it ticking me off, I was able to laugh, very hard, about how hard he worked at getting my attention. I feel that some things are changing. I know that my underlying pessimism (that I don’t let most see) will not just be gone, but as with the bitterness, it’s just not right on top anymore. I’m not going to lie, I still have my days, but I feel that they’re becoming fewer and farther apart.

The school season is about to start, for not only my daycare kids, but also myself. I foresee a very busy 4 months coming. My nerves are a bit restless about all that’s going on right now and about what’s to come, but I also feel a strength and positive flow about it. I think some good things are coming, in several aspects of my life. It’s just a matter of how I will accept and handle the changes that will happen to me and around me.

Accept what is, let go of what was and have faith in what will be. I’ve got this ain’t nobody gonna hold me down… not even myself.

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Sensible About Love… Not It!

Dang, it’s been a while. It has been extremely busy getting ready for summer, the extra work, the house/yard work AND I’ve had lots of family in town. I’m still busy, but feel I need to type a bit to work some things out.

If you remember last, “B” was / is the man I love. I still do, too much. The ball is in his court and sadly (for him!), he’s losing me. I’ve made up my mind to not reach out to him again until he proves that he even wants me in his life. I hope that he doesn’t fully lose me… but he’s well on his way to that.

It’s sad to me. If I think on it too much, it really does hurt my heart. But being the strong woman that I am (that we all can be), I’m looking up and not shutting my heart down, just closing a small window in it for now. With that being said, I am ready to explore more options.

I did begin to explore some options and I went on a date. He was nice, or rather, he SEEMED nice. It turns out that he has a temper and well, he was pretty much a bore. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for getting to know people and sometimes it takes someone to have a good partner to get them out and about and doing things. But this man: #1 flipped a lid when I had to reschedule our 2nd date (that we hadn’t even set an actual day yet, just F, S, or Su); #2 He didn’t give me a chance to say “let’s reschedule from x to y”, he just jumped right in and started telling me about all the losers I was going to end up dating, because he has a job and car and a home; #3 All he ever did was do laundry and grill out (3 weeks of phone & text convo + 1 date, that’s ALL he did); #4 He didn’t like his friends, didn’t like to visit his family (what?!) and only talked about his job; #5 He just wasn’t the guy for me!

This will not stop me! God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference. I must keep going. It is so easy to just have those days and ponder on your own idiosyncrasies, and the possibilities that they’re keeping you from meeting someone. But then, I look at my friends (I love you all!) and realize, DAMN, they’ve got more crazy in them than I do! So that’s it, I’ll stir in a little crazy with my Saba each day from now on and see what happens.

The online dating has continued though. There are still a few that I’m chatting with. I’ve found that some are HORRIBLE communicators. Some are just nasty perv’s. Some are CRAZY. Yes, that CRAZY is with all caps, because it’s not the crazy that me and my friends have. Some are 2 suitcases shy of fitting in with the Kardashians. And some are just normal people like me that find the whole dating game very strange, difficult, time consuming, at times fun and sweet, and a bit of a competition. Those guys are out there. I still believe that there will be that one man that will look at my idiosyncrasies and realize that they’re not that wonky, and they may even mesh with their own.

So to be sensible in regards to love, you can’t be. You have to give your heart and soul time to heal, to move on and then to love once again. You don’t need to jump into anything, but if that’s what feels right, do it. And after typing all of this, maybe just going “balls out” (you know what I mean!!!), is what I need to do. It will be that leap of faith that needs to be taken in my life. Because I don’t know if I’ve ever really done that. I think I’ve leaped before, but maybe I really haven’t, at least not in the right direction. I’ve got this, and I just need to have faith in myself!

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Was Or Is Someone Holding Me Back?

Well, the cougaring was over before it truly started. But that is okay. Good guy, just friends. So, onto better, or other ones.

I’ve been going back and forth about an ex. An ex who is not a full fledged ex, but without bumbling through the whole history since I was 16, let’s just call him an ex. He means so much more to me, and we’ve become best of friends. I love him dearly and truth be told, I’m (still) in love with him. I know that he knows that I love him. I do know that he loves me, but I don’t believe he loves me the way I love him.

We’ll call him ‘B’ for now, rather than ‘he’. B and I have a pact; if I’m not married by the time I turn 40, and he’s not either (he’s older than me), that him and I will marry. I have to literally restrain myself from telling him “let’s bump it up to 36 1/2!” lol I am scared to push it, because 1) of rejection, 2) of ruining the friendship, 3) of losing him totally.

B, let’s just say, has a way with women. I know this! I had a dream, a vivid daydream actually; that once he made this move to his new place, he’d find the woman he was going to marry. It’s silly, but it was one of those feelings from this daydream that was so overwhelming that I told several of my friends about it, and I know it to be true. Maybe it’s not, and it’s just my insecurity swirling about in my head, but it was such an overwhelming picture and moment in my head. Possibly, as one of my friends said, I’m that person… But I don’t think it was me.

With all of that being said, I’m also beginning to think that even though I proclaim that my long distance love for B does not hold me back from anyone else, I’m thinking that maybe it does. I’m not yet ready to let go of the love I have for him. I’m not yet ready to take the leap of pushing it with him. So, I’ve decided to live with the ball being in B’s court, see if he makes the invitation to visit him this summer happen, and go from there.

I almost feel silly for feeling things for this man; he’s well deserving of course, but for holding myself back. I don’t think I’ve ever held back when I’ve had feelings for someone. What is the difference? Why am I holding back with someone I know, trust and love?

I gather that with the overall conclusion I’ve come to, I will know my answer soon as to how much I mean to him. Luckily, I’ve had friends that have talked me down and helped me come to this conclusion. Let’s just hope that B will make the best move of his life, make this visit happen, and there will be an “us”.

“People who are sensible about love are incapable of it.” – Douglas Yates

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To Cougar or Not To Cougar

I can’t actually say that I’m dating a younger man, but I can say that I’m “talking to” a younger man.  Currently an 8 year age difference, and very soon a 9 year age difference.  That’s pretty darn close to Cougarism (maybe a word.. it works!), is it not?

He’s nice, sweet, good looking, just getting out of a marriage (dun dun dun), rather mature, but he’s still only 27.  Without knowing him very well yet, I can’t say that he is or is not a match, but I think it’s okay to find out for myself, right?  With my unsureness about the situation I’ve mentioned it to several people, and all of them are for it, even the 2 guy friends that I asked.  It definitely could be fun and I am beginning to realize that this insecurity is more than likely just my own.

Until I mentioned it to another dear friend.  Her immediate reaction was “What does he do?” and “What in the world could you two talk about?”  To be honest I was a little refreshed with the questions, because I’d asked myself the same ones.  But I also got defensive in the same moment.  “He’s smart, he’s an astronaut (he’s not, but just for anonymity sake)” and “We talk about all sorts of STUFF, I can hold a conversation with ANY age!”   I thought about my answers, they are very much true; he is smart and he does have a variety of life experiences, I’ve just had a few more than him.  Just a few 🙂 

In my past, I’ve dated older men; a couple, 13 & 20 years older than me.  Those relationships did not last (one for 3 years), but I’m still friends with them and it was “successful” in the aspect that we had a good time and think very highly of each other still to this day, and have much love for each other.  Maybe I should ask their opinions on dating almost 10 year younger man?? 

Those past relationships never seemed hard.  I never thought about how old they were and one of my guy friends said that “guys don’t think of those things, especially when they like a girl”.  I also read a couple of articles online that say that many mid to late twenties men date mainly women in their thirties.  This is riveting and very exciting to me (of course!). So, again, this is pointing toward my own insecurities.  Also, let me remind you (and myself) that this is really NEW and it may go nowhere… noooowhere!  Or it might 🙂

Here’s to keeping my hopes up, and here’s to some of that Irish luck flowing over me, especially as St Patrick’s Day nears. 

“Here’s to me, and here’s to you. And here’s to love and laughter. I’ll be true as long as you. And not one moment after.”

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